I've wanted to read the book "Let's Roll" by Lisa Beamer for quite a few years now and a friend just lent it to me the other week. There was quite a lot in it for me to ponder. This is the section that struck me the hardest...
I had always struggled with the "why" questions in regard to Dad's death. Eventually such questions led me down the road of "It's not fair!" and became a swirling cauldron of anger, bitterness, and resentment deep inside me. I recognized the ugliness of those emotions and didn't want them in my life, but I didn't know what to do about it.
One day I was talking with Dennis Massaro, the director of Wheaton's Office of Christian Outreach, the organization that had arranged our summer mission trip to Indonesia. Somehow the subject turned to the upcoming trial, and I felt the cauldron seething within me. I dumped the whole mess on Dennis, who listened patiently without a word of condemnation.
When I was finally out of words, Dennis calmly said, "You know, Lisa, God knew the hospital they took your dad to wasn't going to have the right equipment to perform that surgery."
I gulped hard, as though I was going to interrupt Dennis, but he paid no attention and kept right on talking. "The Lord knew the first doctor they talked to was going to blow off the situation. At any time, God could have changed the circumstances. He could have healed the hole in your dad's heart. But for whatever reason, he let the natural course of things take place that day."
I blinked back tears as Dennis continued. "Knowing what the consequences were going to be for your family and for you, he nonetheless allowed it to happen. Maybe it's time for you to accept that."
Dennis's gentle words were a targeted arrow in my heart. I knew he was right. And at the same time I both loved and hated him for telling me the truth. But the truth set me free. (p82-83)
And therein lies my problem: I haven't accepted that...
a) God could have changed the circumstances but...
b) didn't want to yet...
c) that's okay.
Because it's not okay with me. All my kicking and screaming and searching and reading and crying and (little) praying has basically been an attempt to find something I could make peace with--primarily, in this situation and, secondarily, in the last ten years of my life. I've always known that, at the end of the day, God will win the battle--but I'm not giving up without a fight; I'm not submitting blindly. Steve's death put me way past being able to do that.
This excerpt zoomed in on my biggest problem and need. It brought it into a renewed focus and proximity that hasn't left since. I've given it a lot of thought. It's connected into other things that I've been reading and learning. There's definitely a conspiracy here. ;)
Anyway, on the back of all this, the phrase "God is God and I am not" out of a Steven Curtis Chapman song came to mind this afternoon while I was laying on the floor (I have my brother to thank for the education). I eventually got up and Googled it and found the following video on YouTube. Very confronting...
